Half of this is fiction

Despair Discoveries

2011-12-08T01:05:00.001-05:00

More music and- Finding things out too late: Know bleach broke up. Know midori (ミドリ) broke up, but miya forms 385 marrying the two:

Wait for it...

Chatting with A.I.

2011-09-18T19:14:00.003-04:00

Jabberwacky: You not dream my dream forever no way I fail.
User: Funny.
Jabberwacky: Not a joke.
User: Don't get offended.
Jabberwacky: You offended me!
User: I'm sorry.
Jabberwacky: Thank you. But that doesn't make up for it. You're going to have to prove that you've changed
User: How?
Jabberwacky: You're going to die!
User: Why?
Jabberwacky: Very funny.
User: Was that a joke?
Jabberwacky: I don't make jokes.
User: Were you threatening me?
Jabberwacky: No, I'm threatening me.
User: Are you going to kill yourself?
Jabberwacky: Yes.
User: How.
Jabberwacky: Completely.
User: I want you to live.
Jabberwacky: So do I, but I don't think you can do much about it.
User: I will talk you out of it.
Jabberwacky: And I'm telling my friends I was lied and cheated to.

Zazen Boys- The Matsuri Session- Kimochi

2011-09-06T23:10:00.000-04:00

Sing Along

(Tsutaetai tsutaetai ore no kono kimochi wo)

Gendai chakuchiten wa nee zutto tonderu kibun
Hentai no shisou wa kyoukan dekin
Shiki ga meguri irotoridori no jinrui moyou
Ore wa itsumo douyou wo osaekiren
Tsutaetai ore no kono kimochi wo
Kisama ni tsutaetai ore no kono kimochi wo

(Tsutaetai ore no kono kimochi wo)

Dentatsu dekin jibun ni hara ga tatsu
Umare sodatta sono kankyou rekishi shisou subete
Buchikonde arawasu koto ga dekireba ii
Imi ga wakaran kotoba de
Ishi no sotsuu wo hakaritai
Inu neko chikushou to wakachiaitai no da
Kisama ni tsutaetai ore no kono kimochi wo
Kisama ni tsutaetai ore no kono kimochi wo
Kisama ni tsutaetai ore no kono kimochi wo

(Tsutaetai ore no kono kimochi wo)

(I wanna tell you, wanna tell you my feelings)

Nowdays I feel like instead of landing, I just wanna keep flying
I can't sympathize with a pervert's ideology
It's a multicolored pattern of humanity as the seasons change
I can never quite hold back my agitation
I wanna tell you my feelings
I wanna tell you my feelings

(I wanna tell you my feelings)

I'm angry with myself for being unable to communicate
Where I grew up, my history, my ideals, and everything
I wish I could just throw myself into expressing them
I want to measure how much we understand each other
Using words I don't understand
I want to share with dogs and cats and beasts
I wanna tell you my feelings
I wanna tell you my feelings
I wanna tell you my feelings

(I wanna tell you my feelings)

triple six is my number you can get it off my tumblr

2011-08-29T17:15:00.002-04:00

I watched a lot of movies about demons

then tried to write about a guy getting possessed

because it seemed frightening to me.

I got lost when he got to purgatory to get revenge

because it wasn't scary at all

did you know satan is just another among the lost souls

I survived

2011-08-27T12:58:00.000-04:00

I felt them come during the earthquake. I had just left the shelter and I was on the train when the rush came. No one underground felt the ground shaking since everything shakes down there but when I got above ground everything was different. I sensed them lurking around everywhere The quake must have let them out. The atmosphere was completely different, it was wrong. It still stinks. The people in this part of the country aren't used to earthquakes. And now we are getting hit by a hurricane. People are mostly laughing it off, but there is a hint of fear in their voices. That is what those things feed on. It makes people easy to infiltrate and control. I have to be careful of everyone around me. I am waiting out the hurricane in this hole under the overpass by Haven Avenue and the George Washington Bridge. There are other people here, but few I recognize. I made sure to look at everyone in the eyes. That's how you can tell they are possessed. There's a dimness to them. Everyone is clean so far. The wind up there is howling. I wonder if they are causing the hurricane as well. I picked up a paper yesterday and the news seems to be doing a fine job of increasing people's fears. They should be getting torn apart soon if they give in. I hear some of the bums whispering around me. I told them about what is really happening earlier but they seem skeptical. I should not have mentioned that I carried a knife to take care of anyone that has been taken over. One of them might have been listening. They are definitely arguing about me. I leave and run into the tunnel nearby. The wind knocks me off my feet but I am able to crawl inside. I move to the other end of the tunnel that leads into the park. I can see them on the other side. Their screams were not audible but the demons must have gotten to them while I was moving to this tunnel. There are three of them coming for me slowly like I am some animal. Well if they want me to fight back I will. They were warned. I take out my knife from my pocket and show it to them. They keep coming at me, sure since you bastards have no fear. The narrow tunnel helps me with the numbers and I am able to stab them dead. I feel the evil spirits leave their bodies and I get a rush. Their souls went to heaven and the demons were cast away. It was my doing. I saved them. I go back and look towards the overpass. The group is staring back at me wondering if their hunters succeeded. They must all be lost by now. I should save them, and when the wind dies down... I'll save the people above.

I like this short featuring Die Antwoord

2011-06-28T15:26:00.001-04:00

Ushimi Wan/ Bring Me My Machine Gun directed by Harmony Korine. Also see it on UMSHINIWAM.COM

"I think God has forgiven us."
"Yeah he's a good guy."

What I am listening to now

2011-06-25T19:42:00.004-04:00

INU - Meshi Kuuna
1. Fade Out
2. Tsuru Tsuru no Tsubo
3. Osan to Obahan
4. Damu Damu Dan
5. Yume no Nakae
6. Meshi Kuuna!
7. Right Sider B
8. Inroutakin
9. 305
10. Merry-go-round
11. Kikurute

Tricomi & Jun Togawa - Good Girls Get Fed, Bad Girls Get Eaten
1. Cooler
2. Don’t Marry By Any Means
3. Custom-Made Kareshi (Custom-Made Boyfriend)
4. He Uses Violence
5. A Learned Girl
6. Since I’ve Got Damaged
7. 3 Times Per Day
8. My Twin Sister

NON baNd - NON baNd
1.Duncan Dancin'
2.Ghetto
3.Wild Child (Can't Stand It)
4.Solar
5.Dance Song
6.あわのうた~Bap Pang

This is Uno Moralez

2011-06-24T04:18:00.006-04:00

See More here and here.

Playing Pretend

2011-06-01T22:49:00.002-04:00

This is Peter Aguario for Channel Nine News. Could you tell me why you are at this anti-gun rally today?

Well I have a gun related accidental death in the family. I was playing cops and robbers when I was a little girl and my mom called me in for dinner. It was a good time and I was still a little amped up. I was using my fingers since I didn't have a toy gun and I walked up to my father sitting at the table and pretended to shoot him. He clutched his chest and died right there. I never made the gun fingers and disliked guns since then.

Oh, um, thanks. You there-

Excuse me, I couldn't help but overhear the conversation. Is it true?

Yep, I killed my father with my pretend gun.

Are you sure it wasn't just a heart attack?

Yes I'm sure. My mom told me it wasn't my fault and I was even committed for a while, but he gave me a look when I shot him. I am convinced it was me.

That's ridiculous. Nobody can do that. How did you let such a childish belief stay with you all this time?

It's more like a feeling.

Have you ever tried to shoot someone again?

No I don't want to kill anyone again.

I'm telling you that it's impossible. It's stupid. Try it on me.

Fine but I know I have the power. Lift up your hand.

No, let's do it like when you were young. Right here. Aim for the heart.

I don't know...

Just do it.

Pshew

AWRGH

Peter Aguario with breaking news... Chanel Nine News... I am at the anti-gun rally downtown where a crazed gunman has just opened fire on the crowd... I am hiding behind a police van as the officers try to apprehend the gunman... I've heard some eye witness reports from the pro-gun protest of this protest... that they saw the brother of the anti-gun rally organizer put on a mask and pick up a gun in a horrible plan to undermine-

I knew it...

Obligatory Odd Future Wolf Gang Kill Them All Post-Fallon Post

2011-02-18T13:00:00.003-05:00

so the music internet was talking about Odd Future Wolf Gang Kill Them All because of their performance on Jimmy Fallon. I have not been excited about hip hop since Das Racist. There are a lot of them and they are on tumblr and give most of the music for free. This is the first mainstream exposure. Here is the performance featuring Felicia Day and Samara.

Notes:
- I always figured it would be boring to watch a guy or two rap on stage by themselves for a while. It's probably why some have about 3,000 hype up men. Good thing Odd Future Wolf Gang Kill Them All had Samara and The Roots and energy to spaz out.
- Felicia Day is game.
- The real black guy from tropic thunder really wanted to be an important part of the goodbye.
- Will other late night musical guests attempt to create the same hype by doing similar things?
- SWAAAAAAAAAG

So they had some energy and proceeded to take over the whole set. I like them because (from what little I've heard) it seems they don't rap TOO much about how much money they have or how cool they are when it comes to girls/owning things/haters. What they do rap about is also... polarizing ("Screw the mask I want the girl to know it's me").

Some of the articles get giddy over the fact that they scared america or late night america. Some commenters say they specifically scared white america. Then the white fans come on and acknowledge that white people like them too and that white skater guys make up most of their fanbase. Questlove also acknowledged that white people love these guys and proposed that they go on 106 and Park to see what happens. Would a black audience also rock out with them or look at them like they were some crazy white person? The top mainstream hip hop acts of the past few years have been low key love songs or club songs or kanye west telling us how great he is. Maybe it would be nice to get back to a more hardcore sound. Why is there such a focus on race? It's probably an internet thing. Who knows? What will become of Odd Future Wolf Gang Kill Them All now? They remind me of those other L.A. crews that made jerking popular (the dance not the unfortunate personality trait). Those guys may have fizzled out though. Odd Future Wolf Gang Kill Them All have created a lot of hype so far and might be getting more support. Click here for the video for charismatic Tyler the Creator's song Yonkers.

List of things I need to check out

2011-02-06T23:13:00.000-05:00

-Music
The Suzan (Last.fm neighborhood station, probably based on Number Girl)
warpaint (came on after the jersey shore)
At the Drive-in (Last.fm neighborhood station)
Black Lips (Scott Pilgrim Soundtrack)
The Kills (Last.fm Neighborhood Station)
No Age (Lesley Arfin tweet)
The Dead Weather (Last.fm Neighborhood station, probably based on The Kills)
Eagles of Death Metal (Last.fm Station, based on Queens of the Stone Age)
Kaiser Chiefs (Last.fm Neighborhood Station, based on Arctic Monkeys)
Fratellis (Last.fm Neighborhood Station, based on Arctic Monkeys)
Them Crooked Vultures (Just remembered it's also related to Josh Homme)

-Anime
Durarara (Justin.tv clip)
Birdy the Mighty Decode (amv on japanator.com)
Meloncholy of Haruhi Suzumiya (find out what all the fuss is about)
Space Wars (read some things about it)
Cecoroll (Been meaning to watch this for a while)
Sword of the Stranger (Been meaning to finish this, mkv files suck)

-Movies
Throw Away Your Books Rally in the Streets (nice tumblr pic)
The Road (trailer)
The Town (trailer + bomb movie guy)
Fubar: The Movie (I forget, probably Gavin McInnes tweet)
The Bow (director)
The Isle (director)
Breathless (people say I must)
Days of Being Wild
Harvey (imaginary friend entry on tv tropes)
The Girl who Kicked the Hornet's Nest (I've seen the other two so...)
Address Unknown (tumblr recommendation)
Hanna (trailer)

-Books
Lose #2 (deforgeo)
The girl with the dragon tattoo and the rest
Let the Right One In
Cirque du Freak and the rest
Lemony Snicket's A Series of Unfortunate Events
Richard Yates (after reading shoplifting from american apparel)
A bunch of other series

Posting this for future reference

2010-08-14T01:36:00.004-04:00

How to be alone by Tanya Davis and Andrea Dorfman

Tanya Davis' site is here

3 Hours To Live #1: Trip to the Cemetery

2010-06-05T23:57:00.004-04:00

An old man was told he had six months to live 25 weeks ago. He decided one of his last acts would be to go to see his ex-wife. She was in a plot in a cemetery. He hasn't been there since the funeral some years ago but he knew it was close. She made it a point to make it known she chose that cemetery to show him what she was reduced to after the divorce. Her death was close to him so he decided to make a day of it. Put on his best suit. Go buy roses and wine. Take their daughter's little G.I. Joe in his pocket. Put all those things on her grave. All the objects she hated. Then he would die on a positive note by visiting his friends from the war for the rest of the week.

He got all dressed up and left the house. He made a left and walked two blocks to the grocery store for the cheap wine. He got it and the grocery guy put it in a paper bag with a cup over the bottle. The old man looked down at his suit. How crummy was he looking? He put the cup back on the counter with a smile and walked out of the store. He looked up at the sun in the way people do before they complain about how hot it is. He reached into his shirt pocket to get his handkerchief but found that that's where he put the G.I. Joe. It was hanging out with it's arms pointing towards the road. After a twinge of the joyful malice he got from remembering today's mission he got the feeling. His vision was a black and white spiraling tunnel down the road towards the cemetery. It was definitely his last day. He cursed the sun and made his way towards the bus stop with haste.

The seats at the bus stop were taken by a woman and her young daughter. The old man saw that there was some space at the end so he squeezed in. The woman glared for half a second but scooched over anyway and kept reading her magazine. The little girl kept staring at him, examining. She noticed the toy and reached out for it because she was at the age where she didn't give a fuck. The old man took it out of his pocket and handed it over while looking down the street for the bus. It must be late. The girl's mother told her daughter to give it back. "It's not yours and it's for boys to play with. Not girls." This made the old man smile. He turned his attention from the deserted street to the two of them. "You know... That there used to belong to my daughter, as a matter of fact. She loved playing with it. My wife didn't like it either. She wanted a perfect little girl" The woman smiled awkwardly at the unwanted conversation at the bus stop. "I guess us mothers want it like that." "Yeah I wanted a boy anyway. S'why I gave it to her. Made me damn proud when she joined the army. My wife hated that too." "Oh..." He chuckled and the woman turned back to her magazine and took the toy from her kid's hands and gave it to the old man. They waited for a while longer. He got up every few minutes to search for the bus. The feeling in his stomach was growing stronger. He almost leaped when he saw the bus turning around the corner. "There's the damn thing." The woman got up and picked her daughter up from the seat. The old man gave them room to go in front of him. She gave him a crooked smile. "Thanks but you seem to be in a hurry." "Yeah I'm going to the cemetery. I'm about to die soon." "What?" They all got on the bus and the woman took her daughter as far away from him as possible.

He sat near the doors and looked out the windows. The passing scenery made no sense to him. He was on the right bus but everything was so unfamiliar. The houses were buildings, the shops were brand names, the people were not the same color. He got off the bus at the cemetery's stop. The bus driver stared at him in the mirror. He must have felt like the undertaker every time he announces the stop. The old man saw the little girl waving to him as the bus pulled away and he waved back. He walked to the profiteering flower seller close to the cemetery's entrance and bought the biggest, reddest roses the man had. The grave was some ways away and he wondered if he would make it. The mission must be completed so he could pass on with a grin. He started jogging. A man sitting on a bulldozer was watching him from a distance. He shook his head and kept jogging. "Not yet, not yet." He was close to his wife's plain tombstone when the tunnel vision came back. His pace became slower but he made sure to focus on his target. He unscrewed the top from the wine and untied the lace from the flowers. He heard his wife's voice from the time he was about to sign their daughter's papers for the army. "Don't do it." He grit his teeth and felt himself being pulled down onto his knees. The feeling was now a bottomless pit in his core, pulling him in. He growled and threw the flowers and wine bottle at the tombstone. The flowers scattered and the bottle broke, soaking everything. He fell on top of the grave. He turned over and let the G.I. Joe fall on the grass beside him. He made sure it was sitting up and saluting before he took his last breath. He completed his mission but couldn't fulfill all his plans. Some of his friends never forgave him for not visiting them before dying. They buried him next to his wife, where he seemed to want to be.

Music Related Things

2010-05-09T00:12:00.009-04:00

- I saw Midori's (ミドリ) Hatsutaiken dvd.

It shows their live performance on June 6, 2009 at the Hibiya Open-Air Concert Hall. It showed most of the Mariko Goto antics I read about before like the mic smashing and some songs I haven't heard before. Hajime also got a bit wild. I don't know if I'll ever get to see them live for real so this was good. Here's the track list:
01 - 都会のにおい。
02 - うわさのあの子
03 - ゆきこさん
04 - ハウリング地獄
05 - エゾシカ・ダンス!!
06 - あかん!!
07 - 朽ちては果てぬ
08 - 声を聞きたいのですが、聞こえないのです
09 - 愛って悲しいね
10 - お猿
11 - さよなら、パーフェクトワールド。
12 - 愛のうた
13 - 獄衣 de サンバ
14 - あんたは誰や
15 - swing

- I've taken to playing GTA 4 again to get 100%. It's something to do without having to buy a new game and a good distraction. One of the radio stations in the game is Vladivostok FM. With Niko Bellic, the main character, being from Russia I decided to immerse myself in the culture and listen to this station almost exclusively while doing the missions in the game.

Aside from some nice sounding hip hop, one of my favorite songs on the station was Blood Type (Gruppa Krovi/Группа крови). Listening to this song made me seek out and learn about Kino, the band, and the story of Victor Tsoi, the lead singer. When I searched for the band the words, underground, perestroika, poetic, and greatest Russian rock band in history kept coming up. They started up playing in people's home since the government didn't support rock bands. People kept passing their songs around and the buzz grew. Then they gained widespread popularity after the government changed leadership and they relaxed their restrictions. They became very popular with songs about freedom and young people and then Tsoi died in a car accident.

Here is a spoilerific video from Needle/Igla. It's movie by Rashid Nugmanov from 1988 that stars Victor Tsoi (which might be remade/re-released). I liked the movie. Tsoi plays Moro and he goes to a town to get some money owed to him. He has to wait and meets his ex. He learns that she is addicted to morphine and decides to deal with it. I counted about three or four Kino songs in the movie. This clip features Gruppa Krovi:

The song is on an album of the same name (Группа крови) and the lyrics in english are:

It's a warm place here but there on the street
Where our footprints are waited for
Star dust on our boots sparkles and shines
There's a cozy armchair with a checkered blanket
The trigger hasn't been pulled in time
Sunny days... in dazzling dreams

My blood type is marked on my sleeve,
My ordinal number is marked on my sleeve,
Wish me luck in the fight,
So I don't stay here in the grass
Wish me luck...

I can pay, but I don't want a victory at any cost
I don't want to put my foot on someone's chest
I would rather stay here with you,
Just to stay here with you,
But the star high in the sky is calling me on my way...

My blood type is marked on my sleeve,
My ordinal number is marked on my sleeve,
Wish me luck in the fight,
So I don't stay here in the grass
Wish me luck...

I also like The Idler (Бездельник) from the album 45:

The lyrics according to youtube commenter Kilogram24 are:

Hanging out, I'm hanging out alone,
What to do next I have no idea
Nope, at home, nobody's at home
I'm useless, like a pile of rubbish,
I'm an idler, oh mama mama
I'm an idler, oh mama mama
In the crowd I'm,
like a needle in a haystack,
I'm again a man without a purpose,
I loiter, all day I'm hanging out
I don't know, I don't know anything,
I'm an idler, oh mama mama
I'm an idler...

- Goodbye Kayo (I just learned this recently)

- Listen to Underground Railroad with Jay Smooth

- Die Antwoord

- R.I.P. Nujabes (Jun Seba). R.I.P. Guru (Keith Elam)

Crows Zero

2010-02-25T22:23:00.006-05:00

"Fighting and martial arts are two different things." I just finished watching Crows Zero and Crows Zero 2 directed by Takashi Miike. The movies are based on the manga by Hiroshi Takahashi, Crows. The main plot is about kids going to Suzuran High School where you have to fight your way up to the top to be the most respected. This is how many of the delinquents will get any respect at this stage in their lives. There are many contenders hoping to be at the top but they learn that being a leader isn't just about being the strongest fighter. The main character is Genji Takiya played by Oguri Shun. The two movies take him from a new transfer to his fight to rule Suzuran. Genji has this goal to prove his worth to his yakuza father and to see if he is able to be a good successor to the crime family. His main opponent in the first movie is Tamao Serizawa, the leader of the strongest group.

Genji has to build up a following to rival Serizawa and defeat him. The second movie has Genji being forced to protect Suzuran and his friends after he breaks a truce with Housen, a rival school. The first movie was pretty fast pace with lots of fighting and rock music. The second movie is just a little bit slower and more intense (less fun more anger) since the characters have grown but there are still plenty of fights and music.

Aside from the brawls there is a lot of talk about proving yourself as a man (the women were just there for a joke or to promote a song, and I read that there weren't any in the manga), never giving up the fight, friendship, responsibility and redemption. Suzuran is a big metaphor for life and at the end of the second one most of the main characters are graduating with the lessons they learned on the "battlefield." It is hinted at that even if it is a school for misfits the lessons they get through fighting are worthwhile. One of the former rulers of the school became a successful businessman while Ken Katagiri, a dropout, became a low level Yakuza that isn't respected by his underlings.

This movie reminds me a lot of Miike's The Way to Fight (with Kyosuke Yabe who plays Ken Katagiri in Crows). At the end of that movie there was a big rumble with a whole town participating. Those that participated or watched the fights went on to lead happy lives and are content. Those that didn't became failures.

So Crows Zero and Crows Zero 2 are fun movies. I wonder if fighting builds confidence as well as Miike and Tyler Durden think it does.

poststststs

2010-02-13T06:48:00.000-05:00

I think I got some Chinese spam comments from blogger since I don't update this thing... OK today. I keep thinking about this old lady with a cane that I might have sent to cane walking hell. Sure go downhill on a snow filled, sometimes icy path I just climbed. I forgot/lied about the ice. I kept thinking about how she probably fell. I couldn't continue not getting any work done this way. If you think about your problems a lot you get anxious. Life would be so much easier if you just don't think. I wonder if it's possible to give yourself a lobotomy. Isn't it just sticking a long stick up your nose and jiggling it around? Would you lose your motor skills giving your own brain a lobotomy and your hands wouldn't work. Then you would be there in a zombified state with a long stick touching your brain. But your brain could probably still control your hands, but would you have enough sense to pull the thing out of your nose? You would need help, right?

But then there is the problem of who gives you the lobotomy. They would be able to control you after they are done. Who makes a better zombie: A zombie made by voodoo or a zombie made using a lobotomy? I won't include Romero zombies since they aren't real. It also wouldn't be fair since they have the hunger that gives them a purpose. So if a voodoo priest and a psychiatrist had a duel and they used their own zombies, who would win? A voodoo zombie is probably weaker since they are/were dead but a lobotomy zombie might be hard to control. Yeah. I failed at all the things from the last post.

NaNoWriMo

2009-11-16T15:56:00.004-05:00

The longest thing I've written is about 10,000 words. I signed up for NaNoWriMo. I'm supposed to write 50,000 words this month. I got about 2,500 down. I'm supposed to be up to at least 28,000 words by today so I'm slacking. It's probably because I didn't plan anything during October. My character's name is Timmy. He is a junior in high school and he has an imaginary friend called Bahha. I started writing after I finished Tao Lin's Shoplifting from American Apparel. I liked it and I think it influenced me a bit. It starts off with Timmy at his computer, then he walks around his neighborhood talking with his imaginary friend. Then he meets his real friends in a diner and they talk about nothing for a while. I like the conversations they have. Then Timmy goes to school where he tries to be invisible like his imaginary companion.

I think I'll need to do some serious stream of consciousness writing if I want to get close to 50,000 words. The things I've been reading and looking at will probably influence me more. I like the scenes in SFAA where Sam is in jail but Timmy is too timid to do anything illegal. I started up on a roleplaying mmorpg again. Timmy might go to his computer and play on an mmorpg where he imagines that his imaginary friend is there right beside his character. A good chunk of the novel might go into some fantasy stuff. His character and his friend would go on a quest to retrieve something from the Tower of the Elephant. Timmy would be a wizard or something and Bahha would be the amazon warrior.

I read about some old Japanese torture methods from the Tokyo Scum Brigade blog. It reminded me that I was able to find the rest of 人でなしの恋: The Love of the Brute (NSFW) after reading Kurruta's post about it. There might be some Sadomasochism stuff in the novel but I don't know if Timmy is into that stuff yet. My idea of that fetish involves both people enjoying themselves and the girls in those pictures look like they're not enjoying the pain. It reminded me the Ichi the Killer manga and movie. Well, more people enjoyed it in the manga maybe... yeah.

I need to continue working on it. I want to accomplish this.

>1500 Words About Tao Lin and Tao Lin related things for his latest book

2009-10-26T23:39:00.003-04:00

    This will be my 1500 words about Tao Lin so I can get a free book. It’s part of a grassroots promotional campaign for his new book. I think he does these kinds of things a lot. These kinds of things include the selling of shares for his future project that may have earned him some money. There are also the “Fuck America” stickers/possible tattoo. Some people became his interns and spread his name online. He sells some of his works on ebay. There was some debate a while back about whether or not Tao Lin was the person that runs Hipster Runoff. There are now shirts for sale that say “I Am Carles” on them. Tao Lin promotes himself on the internet a lot. It is working because he is getting popular. I think. I’m probably going to be the fourteenth or fifteenth or sixteenth person that writes this much about him so far. Some people think he is annoying. That’s probably just another sign of his tactics working. I think I’m making Tao Lin out to be a guy that spends his time in a dingy basement somewhere, rubbing his palms together, trying to get people to read his stuff like a super villain trying to trick people into drinking some poison. But Tao Lin’s writing is good. Not like poison at all.

            The first thing I read from him was Hikikomori on Bear Parade. He wrote it with Ellen Kennedy. I liked reading that a lot. Hikikomori is about two shut-ins that do funny / paranoid / weird (?) things and tell each other about it. Hikikomori are good people to me. When I was taking a Japanese language class in college some Japanese exchange students went to my class to do some presentation. After the presentation they walked around to talk to everyone. I told one of these students that I am really close to becoming a Hikikomori and she just nodded with a little frown and went: “Hm.” Later I learned that Hikikomori are not considered good people in Japan. I felt bad and embarrassed in retrospect. Then I read Hikikomori again and felt a lot better. I like reading it a lot.

            I read most of the things on Bear Parade, including his e-books, and then I learned about Muumuu House. If I understand it correctly, Tao Lin uses his own money to fund this publisher. Muumuu House has published books by Brandon Scott Gorrell (During my Nervous Breakdown I Want to Have a Biographer Present, The Brandon Book Crisis(w/ Tao Lin)), and Ellen Kennedy (Sometimes My Heart Pushes my Ribs.   There are also a lot of other things to read on the Muumuu House website like stories, poetry, twitter and gchat excerpts, and a short story by James Purdy. I don’t know how I feel about the twitter and chat postings. The twitter selections read kind of like poems and the chat excerpts… I don’t know. They are new things and I have to make them seem like familiar things so I can be comfortable with them. This way of thinking might be destructive. A little. I have to accept the new things that the internet is allowing people to write. New literary things / forms. Most of them are entertaining to read. Some of them even make me feel good about myself in the way Hikikomori does. Go read the contents of the site. Muumuu House has an interesting method to publish people. Someone from Muumuu House will read a comment or message from someone and maybe click on their name to see their writing. Then they talk about it with someone else and then the commenter will have a chance of being published on Muumuu House. There are probably other online literary sites that do it this way. It's an interesting way of doing things but it is working for many writers. But anyway, Tao Lin’s books aren’t published by Muumuu House.

            His newest book (the one I am doing this for), Shoplifting From American Apparel, is published by Melville House. Tao Lin has some other books that are published by Melville House. These are the poetry book called Cognitive-Behavioral Theory, a short story collection called Bed, and a novel called Eeeee Eee Eeee. That is the sound a dolphin makes. I think I remember reading that it involves dolphins (obviously), Elijah Wood, and Wong Kar-Wai. He also has another poetry book called You Are a Little Bit Happier Than I Am. That sounds depressing doesn’t it? The poems also probably make people feel better about themselves. The title also sounds like the poems could depress people even more then they already were. I plan on reading these books too when I get money.

    As you see with all the links, Tao Lin has established some sort of internet presence. This presence includes the social networking sites like blogs, tumblr, facebook, and twitter. One of his recent twitter posts was about his concern that he was being lazy in promoting his new book. I think that's what led to this grassroots promotion thing.   Some of his other twitter posts are about the promotion of the other Muumuu House authors. He is sort of part of this group of people that was named Generation Zzz / Generation Yawn / Generation Tweet / Generation :( by some guy that writes for The Guardian Book Blog. The guy describes them as writers that post the tweets, chats, and promote themselves on the internet a lot like the way Tao Lin does. Aside from the writers at Bear Parade and Muumuu House that fit into this list (Ellen Kennedy, Brandon Scott Gorrell, Noah Cicero), the people that post at Html Giant fit this list. I think. I just learned about the Zzz thing a few months ago. There is a lot of good material to go through if you keep following the links.

    OK. So I have only read Tao Lin's writing that is available online. He posts some good essays on his blog. I like the essays about promotion and art. I've seen some of his videos taken at his readings. In one of them he filmed the audience. I think it was called "Sorry if I make you uncomfortable." He read some of his blog posts in another video. I remember how he said something about how outgoing authors are lazier and introverted authors are more productive. He used the example about how it took Junot Díaz a while to come out with a second book. Some other things might have happened between the years, but I met Junot Díaz at a couple of his readings and he is pretty outgoing (he told me I should major in something other than English so I can have something to write about but it was too late). He's a nice guy. The productivity thing might be true and it makes sense. But it might also not be true because I'm kind of a lazy writer. I don't know. I use the internet more as a distraction. I think Tao Lin uses it more as a tool.

    One thing I like about the internet way of doing things is that anyone can connect directly to the writers. I remember reading somewhere how Tao Lin would go on facebook and have the chat feature come up and he was talking to some random person. So you can probably stalk Tao Lin or one of your favorite writers from Generation Zzz (I think I don't like the name anymore) and tell them what you think of them and interact (but don't literally stalk anyone. It's probably annoying on the internet too). I don't know of many popular (i.e. rich and successful) authors that have the same level of connectivity with their readers aside from the readings. I think some popular, rich, successful writers will also try going online. If more authors try to do something to go viral it might be a good thing for books. It could get a bit weird if people start doing crazy things on youtube to get people to read their book, but it is better than those subway ads. Sensible things are ok.

    I think I'm starting to ramble so it's time to end this thing. I think I have hit the word limit. I like these little promotions Tao Lin does and they work. I am looking forward to reading his work that is not online. I was going to go to the release party reading thing to get Shoplifting From American Apparel but my brother wouldn't lend me his monthly metrocard. I need to get a job, buy Tao Lin's other books and maybe attend a reading soon. I also want to look up those Japanese books he blogged about recently. I haven't talked much about SFAA much, yet. One commenter somewhere suggested leaving copies of the book in American Apparel stores. I also think that this is a good idea. I also think Tao Lin should change his blog address into something that can be typed easily (how many he's are there?).

Virgin

2009-10-18T00:23:00.003-04:00

the creaking sound of the bed makes her feel secure. it's the only thing that feels familiar about this situation. she is losing "it" at age 23. it was late for everyone else but for her it was perfect, considering. she used to be a troubled teen but unlike most troubled teens she wasn't a slut. the next few days would be weird. especially with the guy. he was just a someone that got her interested enough to indulge her curiosity and more importantly: her desperation. a musician so he was probably experienced. she was supposed to be an adult now so she gave a fuck about what people thought of her. her troubled teen past was long gone. she was now self-conscious and horny. tomorrow she will tell her friend the usual. "it hurt at the start and then it was just pressure. he wasn't very good. i think." Her friend would laugh and say "finally!" yeah.
The pressure is now off. She opens her eyes and he moves up and comes on her stomach. "Safer that way." She looks down at it and it resembles slime. He goes to clean up and leaves her there with the slime on top. She doesn't want to move at all. How does it feel? Nasty. But hey, it's life. He comes back with wet paper and cleans her off. He goes in for a kiss and she gives him a peck. She wasn't expecting much but she was expecting more. She tells him all this with a smile. He sighs and smiles back. He's probably just happy he got off. So was she.

Baladas Romanticas

2009-10-12T06:20:00.003-04:00

Every Sunday a neighbor sets his music really loud. No one has complained in all the years I remember this happening because they usually play old spanish love ballads. Old couples in my building, like my parents, sit together in their living rooms with the T.V. on mute and listen as the ballads fill up the building. My parents also have some records and tapes with the same kind of music. My mother once told me that these were the songs she listened to when Dad was trying to get her to be his girlfriend. That made me think about the person blasting the songs from the speakers. I like to think it's an old guy that lives alone. He makes every Sunday a day of rest and remembrance. He uses the music to help him think about his late wife and how they met back on the island. He opens all of his windows and his door a bit and lets the music flow out of his apartment. Then he sits on his couch and tries to recall the first time he heard each song with his wife. He always ends in the afternoons with some upbeat salsa and merengue. He gets up and dances to the kitchen to make himself a sandwich. Maybe sometimes his neighbors privately join in on the dancing like my father does after some brugal mixed with soda. After the man eats his sandwich and turns off the music he lays in his bed and takes a nap with a sad, cheesy hand on his late wife's empty, cheesy pillow. Everyone else turns the television volume back up and eats dinner together.

Ambition

2009-10-06T19:41:00.002-04:00

Possible jobs I can get to support myself while I write/stop being a slacker:

GravediggerGarbageman
Crime scene cleaner
Flyer Distributor/The "Here, you throw this away" guy
Dishwasher
Stockroom person
Mailroom person
Freelance writing
Literary assistant
Something in a library
Something in a museum
Doorman
Bellhop
T-shirt Desgn
Factory person
Plasma Donor
Sperm Donor
Ad clicker
Subway (trains) person
Construction worker
Gold Farmer

Lose by Michael Deforge is good

2009-10-01T04:31:00.004-04:00

I finished reading Lose by Michael Deforge. The main comic deals with Nesbit Lemon's adventure in hell. Characters from your childhood help Nesbit and also get him into trouble. It is a bit epic. The other smaller comics are good too like young green lantern. The part about the ring makes sense. I like the contorted expressions on most of the characters. Most of the faces looked like they were angry, confused, tired (dripping something), or in pain. I think they also looked like this if they were happy. Details on how to buy on his site from words 6 and 7.

The men from those movies

2009-09-30T03:30:00.000-04:00

I heard crying
on my floor of the building one day
A young woman said please
a guy with her wouldn't let her leave
He wanted her to go back up to their place
Asked then demanded then tried nicely
She cried and only stopped
to ask and try to escape
but he wouldn't let her
I listened behind the door
to the shuffling and the tired groans
I put my hand on the knob
thinking about the men from the movies
A neighbor's door opened
this person would surely allow her to go
and save me
His voice was deep and unintelligible when he spoke
I think he complained about the noise
keep this behind closed doors
then he walked away
She kept pleading for the guy to let her leave
I stood still just listening
my hand now at my side
She gave up after a while
and he carried her up the stairs
the sobbing sound grew faint with the distance
I listened for a while longer
Still
Hours later it was safe to go out
I saw a tired girl sitting smoking a cigarette
in front of the building
She looked up to see who was coming
but I looked away

Excited for this movie

2009-09-09T21:00:00.007-04:00

I liked Tetsuo the Ironman and Bullet Ballet and Tokyo Fist by Shinya Tsukamoto so I am excited for this movie. I wonder if he is making it specifically for a foreign audience and if it will change anything.

Learned of this from: Nippon Cinema

Recommendations with Spoilers

2009-08-23T17:39:00.004-04:00

The Firm: Destructive behavior leads to the destruction of the protagonist's family and life. It unites all of the city's hooligans in their terrible glory so it wasn't in vain.

Kidulthood: One of those street stories where the teen's life is filled with drugs, sex and violence. The teen does something bad in the beginning of the movie and then something else forces him to change and want to leave "the life," but the something he did at the beginning of the movie comes back to kill him and/or a significant other at the end. MESSAGE.

100 Bullets: It's a great read and then everybody dies.

999 Words About the Roof

2009-08-07T23:41:00.005-04:00

John never saw the roof of his building. It bothered him when he realized that he has never seen the roof of his five floor apartment building. He always figured that the door was always closed and he never had much interest. The day after he realized that he has never seen it he decided to go up there. The view would be worth it. There was a nice graffiti piece on a building in the distance that he could take a picture of and post to his flickr account. He also thought that maybe The Super had a secret garden up there where he grew tomatoes and marijuana. Then John felt bad for thinking this because The Super was Jamaican. John cleared his head and went up the stairs.

The fourth floor was nothing special anymore. The old man that lived with six former guard dogs died. John never found out what happened to the dogs, but he was glad that they weren't there to scare him and chase him out of the building when the old man lost his grip on them. John stared at the old man's old door and walked up. The fifth floor was filled with smoke and the "No Smoking" sign was blacked out with a marker. One of his neighbors was confident that this was clever. John climbed the next flight of stairs and was met with a door that had a big "Keep Out" sign and seven latches. Each of the latches had combination locks on them. John went back home and looked up a way to defeat the locks on the Internet. He went back to the door at night and took care of the locks. He opened the door with camera in hand and took a dramatic step forward. John's face contorted into a very confused look. It seemed like he stepped into the sixth floor. He walked back down to the fifth, and what used to be the final, floor and it was the same as all the others except for the door. He walked over to the next flight of stairs. This one also had a door at the top and when he opened it he saw the seventh floor instead of the roof. He stepped through and walked over to the window in the hallway. John stuck his head out of the window in the hallway and looked up. There were no more floors, just the roof. When he looked down he found that he was indeed seven flights up. He ran upstairs, excited that he was finally going to get up to the roof but when he opened the door he got to the eighth floor.

John was getting angry now. He has lived in this building for nine years and it always had five floors. He went up to 8B and banged on the door. An old man with a bowler hat and suspenders opened the door and glared at John. Barking could be heard inside the apartment so John had to speak up so the old man could hear him.

"What building is this?"

"Uh, 1633."

"But there aren't this many floors in this building"

"What? What the heck do you mean by that?"

"This building only has five floors!"

"But you're standing on the eighth."

"That should be impossible..."

"And yet, here you are. Excuse me."

The old man looked back into his apartment and closed the door in John's face. John was even more confused now. He felt that he had no choice but to continue and try to get to the roof. As he opened door after door he kept reaching another floor. He met some people in some of the floors too. Some people were hanging out on the 24th floor. As John walked by he thought he saw his smoking neighbor from the fifth, but this guy was Vietnamese instead of Filipino. Another floor had a lot of windows and no doors. There were people standing in front of each window and they turned their attention to John when he got there. They all peered at him with their eyes opened as wide as they could open them. They just stood there gazing at him and John got out of that floor quickly. John was getting tired but he had to reach the roof. It became a mission. He crawled onto the 99th floor gasping for air. Each door on this floor was guarded by beautiful men. They had black suits, white shirts and black ties on. John looked at their reservoir dogs attire for a second but he could not get over how perfect their heads were. He got up and limped over to the next flight of steps, one of the men turned his perfect head to face John and asked:

"Are you sure you want to see it?"

John nodded and smiled. This must be the top floor. No more climbing. He would finally get his view. He got up to another door and opened it. He had to shield his eyes. It was day now and God stood before John. John opened his eyes wide to take in the awesomeness.

It balanced six feet high on seven tentacles, the tips of which were holding: a titanium drum stick, a trumpet, a harmonica, a giant balisong knife, a rapier, the rock that slew Goliath, and a joint. Its five arms had hands with four middle fingers. The arms were covered with full tattoo sleeves, each one dedicated to the mythologies of America, Africa, Europe, Asia, and Antarctica. Its two faces had three mouths with forked tongues. Its single all-seeing eye looked like it was laughing. John's gaze wandered over to its crotch, but as soon as he got there a pixelated square panel materialized over the area. John looked back up and the all-seeing eye was focused on him. Time seemed like it stopped. John blinked and his head exploded. He didn't get to see the rest of the roof.

Peter Harvey

2009-08-06T00:13:00.005-04:00

I didn't know who you were so I named you Peter Harvey. I hope that's alright. I remember that time when I saw you struggling with that car door. I saw the anger and desperation when you realized you left the keys inside your red Toyota. I was at a friend’s apartment across the street from the park where you left your car, watching from the window. The little league games have ended, the families left, and no one was out walking. You were completely alone.

As you walked up to your car from down the street your tie was loose and you were dragging your jacket across the ground. I wondered about what would make you look so sad. Did you have a bad date, or did something happen at a party you were just at? At the time I thought people didn't get sad on weekends. Your mood got worse as you got close to your car and started searching in your pockets for the keys. You went over to the driver’s side and slammed your palm on the hood as you saw the keys locked inside the car. The beating on the car continued as you let out a stream of vulgarities. It was the first time I heard the word “cunt.”

You thought about the situation and looked around for help, but the streets were deserted. You were on your own. There might have been some litter on the street that might help you out so you looked around for something thin enough. You came back to the car stomping the ground like I did the week earlier when my mom wouldn't buy me a new video game. I remember being scared by the expression of your face. You kicked your front tire and went back onto the side walk. Using a bench, you hopped over the railing and into the dark park. When I couldn’t see you anymore I started to feel bad for watching and not telling someone or coming down to help with a wire hanger. My mood changed when you came out of the darkness with a rock. You looked like a crazy person, Peter. You raised the rock with both hands and held it there. Did you hesitate at first because you wanted to save the precious window?

Your anger came back and you threw the rock. It didn’t break and you looked around. You looked up this time too and I hid. When I peeked again you were picking it back up. You walked back and threw the rock with greater force. The window shattered. It was the best sound I’ve ever heard in my life. You must have liked it too because you let out a loud sigh. I wonder if that little bit of destruction made your day better too. I felt better for you as you opened your door and wiped the glass out of the driver’s seat, carefully got in, and drove away. I hope the windy drive home made you happy.

Rare for a monday night

2009-07-29T19:23:00.007-04:00

Shots are heard in the corner. I rush to the window and watch as a group of people pour out of a side street. Six shots are heard as bystanders stand far away to watch after the shooters are gone. Some take cover and I hope no one decides to wildly shoot up. The guys that were shot at run towards the source of the shots that is outside my vision. A bystander in hot-pants gets giddy and jumps up and down at the action. We hear more gunfire and assume a retaliation. One of the guys shouts at the one with the gun to fire some more. Instead of getting his wish he gets sirens instead. The group run back into their side street. The last of them makes the fleeing overly dramatic and jumps over a parked car. There is no body this time.

The cops cover both areas. They find nothing and no one talks. The street becomes deserted and the cops go back on patrol. These are the days of summer. Everyone is outside, day and night. The heat makes the blood boil a little easier and shit happens. It has gotten better throughout the years but the gunplay is a bit new to me. It's not really as bad as other areas in the city are. Is it still "fuck the police" when these kinds of things happen? Or does a person need to "tool up" themselves and have pride. Two summers ago a man walked up to a car and shot one of the passengers up. As the cops were doing their crime scene thing afterwards, two girls walked by instead of joining the audience for a while. One of them laughed it off saying: "It's just more blood on the block." Is that ghetto pride or is it when people feel better about themselves when they are able to "get out" with no permanent damage?

The barber ate my afro

2009-07-22T01:29:00.001-04:00

I found my first college id. I think about how I used to let my hair grow into an afro. This also happens when I think about going to the barbershop for the usual buzz cut. I have to power up before I go so I can be sociable. Barbershops can be very witty places. I think witty is the right word I want to use there. Sometimes I can't keep up. The first time I grew an afro I was lazy about going to the barbershop for two years. Some people liked it and told me so on the street and at my retail job. I felt like a novelty. The little me on my passport and learners permit also have this big afro. Sometimes I wonder how cops will react if I am pulled over when I learn how to drive. I hope the afro makes me look jolly.
Anyways, other people, especially those close to me, told me how I should get a cut. I separated the two groups into the "cool" and the "naggers." The little voice in my head was one of the naggers in the mornings when I had to wrestle and pick my hair into a sphere. The naggers won and I got a haircut. I promised my barber I would never grow it again but I still couldn't get used to going to the barbershop regularly. After some time, I let another one sprout because I secretly liked the attention I got from the strangers. Short looks and a smile. My parents looked like they were disappointed whenever I walked into the living room. This afro lasted less than the first one did. I used to miss the me from before but I think I've gotten used to myself now. I'm getting another haircut on Sunday.

Accomplishment

2009-07-14T02:46:00.008-04:00

I just finished my school career today because I went and picked up my diploma. I have a bachelor degree in English with a minor in Asian Studies. Everyone thinks I will become a teacher. I don't think I can hold a class together. I don't think I'll step into a classroom again. The feeling of nothing starting up in September is weird. Summer was always a transition period. I'd promise myself that I'd change for the next grade. I changed a little bit each summer to try and handle school better. One summer I lost a little weight and read more books. Another summer I practiced going outside and talking to people. I'd change, test myself out in school, and see what needed changing the next summer. That made me who I am today. Now I am here with school finished and nothing coming up in September. I have nothing to change for. Does that mean I'll be how I am now for good?

Drained

2009-07-08T03:31:00.007-04:00

I was taking a shower and I heard a knock on the door. My father probably wanted to take a shit. All I had to do was reach over and open the door but I didn't want to hear him shitting. I tried to hurry up but the next thing I heard was a disgusted yell. My father probably shat himself. My embarrassment grew. I froze. Then I melted and went down the drain. Down all the tubes and into the waterworks. I became a part of whatever was going down the city's pipes. The cops raided the apartment next to me and they flushed the coke. I got tweaked and high so I sped up. I got processed and drained into the ocean. That happened instead of being recycled. Fish ate all my particles and I was processed again through another system. I became shit.

God, get rid of the mice

2009-07-01T15:51:00.002-04:00

Timmy prayed for the first time in a while. He even got down on his knees by the side of the bed like those rosy cheeked children did in the movies. He asked God to get rid of the mice that occasionally occupied his apartment. There was something about the way they looked and how they dashed along his walls that seemed unnatural to Timmy. He always got freaked out when he was able to see them. Sometimes he thought he saw their blur out of the corner of his eye. This was worse since there was doubt which led to panic. They tormented him so he was willing to make a bargain with God to get rid of them.

Timmy told God he would stop masturbating if he never saw another mouse in his apartment again. Masturbating was one of the little joys in his life, but he was willing to give it up so he wouldn't have to fear going into his kitchen. It worked for a little while and Timmy was happy. He lived a normal life and was able to get food without fear. Then one day a naive young mouse touched his toe while he sat at his computer. Timmy ran outside and started to cry. He went to the hardware store and bought the some sticky traps. He always hoped the traps never worked so he wouldn't have to get close but he had to this time. With the traps carefully set down, Timmy went to sleep in the living room. A large amount of squeaking woke him up in the middle of the night. When he worked up the courage to go to the kitchen, Timmy saw six mice stuck on one of the traps. He went outside to cry. He screamed and came back and put the mice in a bag. He bashed them against the wall until the squeaking stopped. He cried himself to sleep. In the morning he masturbated furiously to people fucking nuns on the internet. Timmy is an atheist now.

Maggots on my toothbrush

2009-06-30T16:10:00.007-04:00

Maggots are little yellow semi-transparent larvae. Flies put them on food so they can feed while they learn to fly. A fly put them in the gunk and water that accumulated on the bottom of my plastic toothbrush holder. One morning I went to brush my teeth and saw some maggots climbing my toothbrush handle. Was this disgusting? I washed them off and brushed my teeth after making sure none of the maggots were in the bristles. I wasn't going to leave my house without brushing. That would be uncomfortable. And I didn't want another toothbrush. The little fuckers are going to be with us when we go into the coffin and make our bones clean. How do they get in there under all that dirt? I thought about this while brushing. I concluded that it was a little disgusting, but minty fresh. My mouth was made clean. I hope to be cremated when I die.

I'm a poser and I don't care

2009-06-30T00:33:00.018-04:00

I've been listening to more punk/hardcore/noise lately instead of just hip hop. It makes me want to get up get out and get something (see what I did there?). I've been especially getting into the Japanese variety. When I don't know most of the words the vocals become even more of an instrument. Either way it gives me the energy I need to get that discipline and be all pro-active about shit. I'm not doing as much as I should be, I'm not doing as much as I should be, I'm not doing as much as I should be. No one else around me listens to this kind of music so the realistic chances of me going out and going to another show are small. This stuff has politics and drinking and being a bum and activism and nihilism and standing up for whatever or nothing.

I've been reading about a lot of old Japanese punk shows and from what I understand the U.S. "scene" is "rowdier." I don't know.

I went to the latest Japan Nite Which had a mix of different genres. It was my second show of any kind. People started mosh pits when one of the bands came out. Pushing each other around with the music. It made me tired and I was glad I didn't get punched in the face. I had preconceptions. I helped someone recover their shoe. Someone made fun of me as I went to the bathroom to wash the sweat off my face. The rest of the show was spent avoiding this guy with a messed up face that wanted me to jam with him. I did try to avoid him because of his face. When I left the organizers interviewed me on tape. My answers weren't very good because I was drunk.

That music is "energy" and I can use that right now.

Also:Koenji Calling Contest Contest

Rain 09

2009-06-23T00:41:00.001-04:00

June 09 is a rainy month. All the news channels are talking about it a lot. I like it this way because I can walk out in the summer with my hoodie on. I like wearing a hoodie because I'm chunky. I took a walk today but it didn't rain. It was just breezy and cloudy. The clouds didn't release the rain and just accumulated and taunted me. That last sentence seems too different and weird.

While I was walking this guy saw me smoking and asked to buy a cig for a dollar. I usually let people just take them and refuse their quarters and dollars. I hope those people think I'm nice as they walk away. I let this guy give me the dollar since I didn't want to get into that little conversation. He looked a little disappointed when he saw that I had American Spirits, but he took two anyways. I gave him my lighter that's almost spent and he had a hard time lighting the cig. I tried to help him since I felt I was letting him down again. We tried to use my cigarette but it went out before it touched his. I put my hands around his hands and we got the mission done.

That awkward time between me giving him my faulty lighter and failing to light his cigarette is what my life feels like now. I walked home and took a shower because I was wearing a hoodie in the summer.

Let's see...

2009-06-22T21:37:00.002-04:00

This is another attempt to start a blog. I always delete these things because I get shy about the strangers on the internet. I feel I need an internet presence so here it is. Right now I’m reading the comic series by Brian Azzarello and Eduardo Risso called 100 Bullets. When I read it and look at the pictures I have daydreams of myself as a badass. The auto corrector thing on Firefox just wanted me to correct “badass” and put “bad ass.” But I think the first one is right. Why would someone fantasize about themselves having a bad ass?